


The infestation

by KirinandVlindertje



Series: Symbiosis [1]
Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Ableist Language, Autistic Character, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Misgendering, Other, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-01 15:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 22,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5210444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KirinandVlindertje/pseuds/KirinandVlindertje
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jessica is a human girl. This world is not kind for her, until she discovers the Sharing. For the first time she feels like she has place where she can actually be, be herself. And yet there is something a bit odd about it all. Most notably when they want to put an alien in her brain to take over her mind. She agrees, in the hope of making a friend in a way she has never even dreamed off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Esran

My name is Esran. Or rather it was. I go by a different name now. I know you're probably thinking “that's not a full name”, and you'd be right. But you see, I can't tell you my full name. Not if I want to stay safe.  
  
Safe from what, you're probably wondering. Andalites, that's what. Probably not a word you're familiar with. That's because they are aliens. They are not native to earth. Well imagine a deer-centaur with blue fur, that's the basis for an andalite. Their face is different from a human face though. They have no nose or mouth, just three vertical slits through which they breathe. And on top of their heads are these little stalks with eyes on them, twisting around, looking in every direction. But the most striking feature is their tail. It's both muscular and slick, with a scythe at the end. They carry it much like a scorpion carries its tail, curled forward and ready to strike; ready to lop off your head in a split second.  
  
And they will lop off your head if they want. You see, andalites are like those asshole police officers who think they are above the law. They play judge, jury and executioner based off their own prejudices. And unfortunately I am one of those they are prejudiced against.  
  
But there are no andalites on earth, right? Wrong. Just because you haven't seen them yet doesn't mean they aren't here on earth. Andalites have one last feature that makes even more deadly, their ability to morph. They can transform into any animal they wish. That dog happily sniffing by on the beach, the cat curling up to comfort you, that bird circling overhead, that escaped rhino thrashing through an international conference, that annoying fly you just can't seem to squat, any of those could be an andalite in morph.  
  
Feeling nervous yet? Well you should be. This is how I feel all the time. And I must feel like this for no other reason than that I was born a yeerk.  
  
We, yeerks, resemble what you humans would call a slug. We are aquatic, living in shallow pools. We have a good sense of touch and some basic electrolocation, but that's about it for senses. No sight. No hearing. We don't have hands to build something, or feet go somewhere. Or even any means of defending ourselves. What we can do is take hosts. We can crawl into someone's brain and use their eyes to see, their ears to hear, their hands to create, their feet to travel, their body to protect ourselves.  
  
For a long time, that was my life. I had taxxon and hork-bajir hosts and I was a soldier, protecting my siblings from the andalites. But as the fighting dragged on, I wished for a bit of that peace for myself. A chance to live, rather than to fight. So when I heard we would be going to earth I took the chance. And that is where I met Jessica. How we met? Well that's her story to tell.


	2. Jessica

My name is Jessica. That's not my birthname, but that will become obvious as I tell. Even if it was safe for me to do so, I still wouldn't tell you my birthname. That's because I hate it. It's not me. If it was possible I would erase it from existence, from everyone's memory. My last name I don't share purely for safety reasons. Esran is quick to point at the andalite bandits as a threat, but they tend to forget that the other yeerks also aren't too fond of how we deal with things. But at least they won't kill us on sight. Why this is takes a bit longer to explain. But lets just start at the beginning.

It all started with flyer. One day when I was walking home from school a member of the Sharing was handing them out. Most people seem to toss flyers straight on the ground or in the nearest bin. I like to read and study them a bit. Flyers are kind of peculiar, they need to convey quite a bit of information with as little words as possible. So sometimes they omit words or use very specific terms which makes them hard to understand for people not already in the know. But then again not all flyers are designed to appeal to every person. Some are made by specific groups to attract other members of the specific group. The Sharing however was not such a specific group and as such the flyer was pretty easy to understand.

“Are you interested in coming?”

I had stopped to be able to read the flyer, and the boy handing them out mistook this for interest.

“I'm not very good with people,” I muttered, “I'm not very good with beaches either.”

The boy let out a little laugh. I guess it was one of the tension breaking laughs, since I didn't make any jokes and he didn't seem to be mocking me.

“That's okay,” he said, “we can help you feel more at ease if you want. Just tell us how we can help you.”

I didn't know what to say. And even if I had I doubt I could have.

“Well you don't need to decide now. If you decide to show up, you can ask any of our members for anything.” With that he refocused his efforts on handing out the flyers.

I started home again, my mind mulling over the conversation and the flyer. It was to be an event with people, which I normally try to avoid as much as possible. On the other hand no one had ever offered help with these events before. If they truly could help, maybe it was worth a shot. I could even substitute some of the current mandatory people events by these better events. I started rehearsing my line already.

“I'd like to go.” I handed the flyer to mom.

“But this is on Saturday. Then there's the collection drive at the church. You need to help with that. Also, who are these people anyway? Can they be trusted?”

Before she could continue her avalanche of questions I pointed out the phone number on the flyer.

“Well I'll guess I'll call them. We'll discus this further when dad gets home.”

I was already on the stairs on my way to attic. It's not the nicest room in the house, but it is the only one that isn't shared. If I had to share a bedroom with someone, I think I would have gone bonkers a long time ago. But since there's thirteen of us, there isn't much room to spare. Those thirteen being mom, dad, me and my ten siblings. Yes elven children, all my moms doing, but not in the way that you think. She only gave birth to three of us, me and my two sisters. As for the rest . . . Well my mom has this saying she embroidered on some sort of panel. It's hanging in the dinning room. Sometimes she makes us recite it: “You can not blame a good man for turning to the devil if the Lord's hands are absent.” And so we do the Lord's work. Mostly just charity, much like the mentioned collection drive. However, my mother also used to do a lot more. Most notably protesting at abortion clinics. Now, she wasn't one of those carrying around a sign saying “abortion is murder”. No, her sign said “If you can't raise your child, I will adopt it”. And about eight people took her up on that. After that my dad forbade it. So my mom started doing more charity work with the church.

I started my homework. I had to write a single paper by tomorrow. For English, free topic. So I choose something not too in depth that I was already well familiar with. “Disturbance of the nutrient balance by deforestation.” I was nearly finished when mom called me down.

We sat in the the conversation corner, as dad calls it. He in his chair, mom and me on the sofa. An odd name really, because it is neither a corner, nor is there an actual conversation there, which would involve everyone talking, not just dad. Maybe it was just for the alliteration. Or maybe one of those weird double negatives.

“So, mom has told me that you wish to go to this beach-picnic organized by the Sharing, correct?”

I nodded.

“And you called these people?”

“Yes,” mom said, “they seem friendly enough. But . . .”

“But it is on the same day as the charity drive, correct?” he interrupted.

“Yes.”

“I think you should go to the picnic,” he said to me.

I couldn't believe my ears. I could actually go. I needed to start planning. I had to figure out a route. Figure out what the beach is like there. What weather to expect. What kind of clothing was appropriate. What kind of food they served there. What kind of drinks. I need to make some introductions. Figure out some topics to talk about. My mind was jumping in all directions at once again. I need to focus. Figure out a route. That was the important on. If I couldn't get there, nothing else would matter. A route. A route.

That night I had trouble falling asleep. I kept playing scenes out in my head, some good, some bad. Also I eavesdropped a bit on my parents. They were arguing in their room, right beneath mine. I couldn't make out most of what they were saying, but my dad never changes his mind. For once, I was glad about that.


	3. Esran

We had just translated out of zero-space. But we weren't where we were supposed to be at all. Neither were the andalites. But when you're in a war, where you encounter the enemy shouldn't stop you from shooting at them. And so we did. And they did it too. And down we went; all of us. Onto a little moon that doesn't even have a name. Well it didn't at the time. Now the name is only ever spoken when preceded by the words “the horror of”.

The problems started as soon as we crashed. The ground we crashed in wasn't ground at all. It was swamp. Too thick for the taxxon to swim in, too wet for the hork-bajir to walk on. And then the damage reports came in. Engines were damage and probably couldn't be repaired. And the kandrona was malfunctioning. It still gave off some rays, but too little to keep everyone properly fed.


	4. Jessica

 

I had to take the bus on Saturday since it was too far to walk. I don't like buses very much though, they are noisy and they shock and stutter and they are full off people. On the other hand they are faster than walking and thus give me less time to worry about what would happen on the beach.

The boy who had been handing out the flyers was welcoming people. I recognized him by his pale skin. It was almost as if the sun had no effect on him. I walked up to him trying not to look like the nervous wreck I was. The boy introduced himself as Erek. I just gave him my last name. He picked up on my nervousness quickly though. For a while he had me wait besides him. I watched him greet so many people by name it was just astounding. He could remember so many names and faces it made a bit jealous.

“Hey, Sarah!” he called out to someone.

A girl came up. She had a light golden-brown skin and long black curls that were draped over her undercut. She did this weird headmove, causing the black curls to fall in front of her face only to be swept to the side again with one fluid handmotion.

“Hey Erek, what's up? Lots of people today, huh?”

“Yeah the beach events always draw in a lot of people.” Erek then gestured to me. “He's new here and a bit unsure. Can you help him out, show him around a bit?”

The pronouns stung, three little new pinpricks. And they were probably only first of today.

“Sure, sure.” Sarah held out her hand.

I tried to shake it but instead Sarah pulled me along.

“So, you got a name?” She asked.

I nodded.

Sarah stopped and looked at me. “So what's your name then?”

I hesitated. I didn't really want to tell her my name, or anyone else for that matter.

“Well if you don't want to tell me, that's fine too. Come on then, here are the sandwiches. Just take whatever you like and then find a group to sit with and talk to. Or maybe listening might be more your thing.”

She then started identifying all the different sandwiches. At least as much as possible. I didn't bother with the mystery ones. To my surprise there were some jam-and-cheese ones too. My lunch in hand I started to wander through the various groups. With that much talking going on, it was sometimes hard to hear what they were talking about. I heard a group of girls talking about Lord of the Rings. They stopped talking and looked at me.

“Is something up?” one of them asked.

“Go for it,” Sarah whispered in my ear.

“Uhm … I heard you talk about lord of the rings. I like the books too.” I said.

They started scooting, making a free place. “Cool.” “Come on sit down.”

“Good luck. And if you need anything, just yell out my name okay?” Sarah said before leaving me with the group.

We talked about lord of the rings first. There was quite a discussion about whether Frodo or Sam was the hero. I tried to posit that they neither are, since alone each of them would have failed. If anything it was their friendship and cooperation that was the proverbial hero here. Which only led them to switching the discussion to who was more of friend than the other. They gradually shifted on to other books, most of which I hadn't read, so I defaulted to listening again. It was nice hearing people talk such enthusiastically. Nice but very draining.

I was kind of glad when they decided to go participate in the impromptu frisbee tournament. I just sat where they left me. Without their talking to anchor onto the noise from the event started to flow in again. But now I was tired. The loud noisy talking was everywhere around me; caging me in.

A pair of boys stood before me.

“Dude, how did you get those girls to like you like that?” one said.

“Yeah come on, share the secret.”

They were so close. They were so pushy. They kept talking. They were loud. I had to get away. But how? Sarah! I had to call her. But I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe.

“Dude, you okay?”

“Sarah!” It suddenly shot out.

The boys backed off a bit. But they kept talking. And they came closer again. They were shoved aside. Someone pulled me to my feet; pulled me along. The noise became whispers. Far away whispers. The sand felt cool here. But it wasn't moist. It slipped right through your fingers. You could bury your fingers in it. Your hand even. I looked around. Sarah was lying on her back. Relaxing it seemed like.

“I'm sorry,” I muttered.

Sarah sat up. “Don't be. Glad to see you're back.”

“Thank you.”

“No need. I told you I'd help you, didn't I?” Sarah stood up. “Well nameless one, I think it's about time to get you home.”

I stayed down in the sand. “I have a name. It's just. I don't like that name.”

“So, do you have a name you like then?”

I nodded. “Jessica.”

“Well then Jessica, nice to meet you.” Sarah held out her hand. This time it was for shaking.

 


	5. Esran

It had been two days since we crashed on this forgotten moon. Our attempts to travel on the moon itself were utter failures. We sank into the swamp; slipped from the vines, dropping into the swamp; Falling over with mushroom tree and all into the swamp. Our attempts to filter water from the swamp were only a moderate success. The hosts who drank from it got severe indigestion. But at least they lived. Those that tasted the fungi that grew all over weren't so lucky. These fungi spread like wildfire and we had to set up special precautions to keep our food storage from being infected.

Meanwhile many of my yeerk comrades were starting to enter into the stage of minor kandrona deprivation. I was lucky that I had been in the pool just before we were shot down. Though I'm not sure if lucky is the correct word for seeing people suffer and knowing that you would soon be sharing the same fate. The fear was wrecking me, but still I held out hope of a rescue. Until we got the message: “There can be no rescue while there is risk of an andalite ambush.” I had never known the ship to be as silent as in that moment.

As I was one of the few not starving yet I got scouting duty. Someone had the bright idea to weld some sort of boat-shoes from non-essential ship parts. They gave use the buoyancy to walk on the murk of the swamp. I simply refuse to call that drab water. Hork-bajir were made for living in trees not for splashing around in oversized wobbly shoes. It took quite some time to get the hang of moving around like this. But after about two hours of practice we started to get the hang of it and could make some headway. We eventually settled on gliding them over the murk. It was our best attempt at stealth. At least until we accidentally banged the shoes together. It made a sound you could actually feel traveling through your body. Not hearing it seemed impossible. And those were our best chance at stealthy reconnaissance.

 


	6. Sarah

<Jessica is a girl name isn't it?> Salam asked.

Salam five-three-eight is my yeerk. We've been together for almost two years now.

<Yes it is.> Of course he didn't need me to read it out loud to Salam, but I like conversations. Also, leaving questions unanswered is rude.

<So why would they take a girls name? This doesn't seem like a common human thing. You humans are far too attached to your male-female dichotomy for something like this.>

<Well maybe she's a girl?>

Salam was trawling through my memories. <All information I can find points to this human being male.>

<Why don't you just ask her? Oh and try to be tactful about it.>

“So you're a girl then?” Exactly the way I would have asked it.

Jessica nodded. She looked like she wanted to speak but shut her mouth.

<what do we do, we having conflicting information on them?>

<we just go by what she tells us. She knows herself better than we do.> We'd need to find out more about her though. Which wouldn't be easy with how little she talked.

<We should stick to yes-no questions. She seems able to answer those.> It had taken me some time to get used to Salam butting into my train of thought like that.

“Ah, Sarah. There you are.”

I, or rather Salam, looked back to see who it was. Erek.

“The meeting is about to begin, are you coming?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I'll be right along.” I said

I looked back at Jessica. She was drawing patterns in the sand.

“Jessica, I'll be right back. Can you stay here and wait for me? We'll talk more when I get back. In the meantime, there's plenty of sand for you to play with.”

I wished I had control of my hand just so I could facepalm. <Like you would have had anything better to say.> Salam snapped.

Jessica nodded without even looking up. I trotted after Erek, past the security and to the little group of full members of the sharing. Iniss two-two-six, in the body of Chapman, started off the meeting. The first point was which members were eligible to become full members. They would be getting their very own yeerk headmate. Then which aspiring members would become members and finally the new aspiring members. Then Iniss turned towards us.

“Salam, I have seen you were spending some time with this new boy ...”

“Girl. She's a girl.” Salam casually cut him off, like she was talking to a subordinate. It always worried me a bit, that one day they wouldn't take it anymore and Salam would be punished for it.

“I thought he is ...”

“SHE,” Salam stressed the word, “said she is a girl, therefore she is a girl.”

Iniss sighed. “Very well. You spent a lot of time with her. Will she be the subject of your … uhm … unconventional recruitment techniques?”

<What do you think?> Salam posed the question privately to me, while everyone's eyes were upon us. Having such responsibility placed on me always made me a little nervous. I've had made some wrong calls in the past and no amount of correct calls could even it out in my mind. But still the decision was mine to make.

<I do think we can help her.>

“Yes” Salam said.


	7. Jessica

I was now an aspiring member of the sharing. This meant that I had to come to nearly all the sharing events. As well as help out for some of the events. I was now on the way to the mall to meet Sarah. For some reason she needed me specifically for this. So I was kind of stuck. I don't like the mall. It's another one of those noisy places.

Sarah was waiting by the south entrance. As soon as she saw me, she came running.

“You're finally here.” She grabbed my hand and started dragging me along. Dragging me into the cacophony of the mall. It didn't feel nearly as bad or overwhelming as the previous times I've been there, despite being dragged. I think maybe Sarah's enthusiasm was radiating off on me. Everything, from her steady pace, to her bouncing curls, to soft encouragements, seemed to make a bubble, shielding me from terrors of outside.

“Tada!”

We stopped. I looked at Sarah's outstretched arm.

“This is a clothing store,” I said.

“Of course it is, time to go inside.”

“I don't understand. Shouldn't we be helping out?”

“Today we're helping you out.” Sarah said.

“But...” She put a finger on my mouth to silence me.

“The only 'but' I'll accept is your butt in that store.” Sarah demonstratively marched in.

I meekly followed her. In the middle of the women's section she stopped and spun around, nearly tripping over herself.

“Go ahead, choose.”

I looked around the store. There was obviously a lot of clothing around. But I wouldn't know how to start choosing. What am I choosing for? Who am I choosing for? The questions were racing through my mind. Sarah squatted down and looked me in the eyes. I can't stand people doing that. I quickly looked away.

“You really are kind of dense, aren't you?”

I wanted to pull away, but Sarah had taken my hand again.

“Listen,” she started, “we pooled together some money for you. So you could go shopping and buy some nice girl clothes for you to wear to our meetings. So now, start shopping for what you'd like to wear. Okay?”

That finally made some sense. I still wasn't sure how to go about it. The store was huge with so many choices. “Can you help?” I uttered.

And so we started our actual shopping. Sarah asking questions, narrowing down what I would like. We went to different shops. I tried on some high heel boots, but nearly instantly fell down. After what seemed like hours I had finally assembled an outfit. A plaid skirt, a simple t-shirt, an oversized sweater, a pair of mary-janes and some tight high socks. Those last ones were Sarah's addition. They would make it a “totally killer outfit” according to her. She would keep the clothes and bring them to every meeting in the future, allowing me to dress there.

On the way home Sarah decided to get us a pizza. I was too late for supper with my family so I gladly accepted. It was her bell pepper-mushroom-cheese extravaganza. I had never seen such an abundantly topped pizza. We sat on the hood of her car with the pizza between us, listening to the crashing of waves and gazing at the stars.

“Do you think there is life out there?” I asked.

Sarah seemed a bit startled by my speaking. “Don't be silly. Of course there is.”

“Do you think we'll ever visit them?”

“Yeah. Though maybe they'll visit us first.”

“That would be nice.” I took another slice of pizza.

“How would you greet them?” Sarah was suddenly in front of me.

I do not deal well with people in front of me. Instead of waiting for an answer Sarah backed off and made a little speech. It was made in that tone that people can only use when they are truly excited about something. She talked about the possibilities. What we could learn from each other. How we humans could maybe learn to shed our prejudices from it.

“So what would you do if you came face to face with an alien?” She asked me.

“I'd probably freeze up,” I admitted, looking away from her.

She let out a little chuckle. “You probably would. Maybe we can help you overcome that. But that's something for later. For now, do you want the last slice of pizza?”

I declined; I was full already. She took it and wolfed it down.

“Time to get you home.”

The drive home was silent. I was glad about that, I needed some time to think. A lot had happened today. I was so lost I didn't even notice us pulling up at my house.

“Feel free to get out when you're ready.” Sarah pulled me out of my ponderings.

I got out of the car and halfway to my house I went back to fetch my backpack. As soon as I entered dad called for me.

“My son.” I'm the only one he addresses like that. It stung and made me realize how hard it would be to tell him the truth. What had been a good day would now end in a downer it seems. He was sitting in the conversation corner. I sat down on the sofa.

“You are probably wondering why I let you go to this... Sharing meeting previous weekend. Well, I know that you are not always the most sociable of people. It is good that you are meeting more people. Also you requesting to go there was a nice show of initiative, which is something I can only encourage. Since you are going to be the head of your own household one day, these are some qualities you must have and develop.

“However, for now you are still part of this household. This means that there are some rules you must observe. One of those is that you can't not show up for supper. We have a large family and supper is the time where we still all come together. I can understand that some days you will be out, but when that happens, we need to know in advance. At the very latest two days in advance. Is this clear, son?”

I sat still and nodded at the end. When he finally dismissed me, I went up to my room as fast as I could. I still met Aisha in the hallway though. She had probably been waiting for me.

“Look who's finally home,” She said, “Let me guess, you were reading a magnificent book and lost track of time?”

That was our secret passphrase; 'a magnificent book'. She had definitely been waiting for me. In my room, I removed the lowest drawer from my desk and retrieved the box hidden underneath it. I set it on my desk and plopped on my bed. Time for my math homework. A few minutes later I heard the faint knock on my door.

“It's Aisha,” she said. Without waiting for an answer she came in and sat at my desk. She carefully took out the Quran and started reading. The room was quiet, safe for the turning of pages and the scribbling. I like it that way.


	8. Esran

 

“Do you see that?” Niss seven-one-four was one mushroom-tree ahead of me.

“Where?” I didn't dare come closer, lest I accidentally alarm whatever Niss had seen.

“Behind the purple stalks.”

I focused the Hork-bajir's eyes on the outcropping of colorful mushrooms. Suddenly I saw something flitting between the stalks.

“Bird?”

“Or Andalite,” Niss added.

So far there haven't been any sign of birds or any other animals yet. It seemed like a dead moon, with the exception of the mushroom trees and some poisonous algae in the swamp murk. Where would an animal even live? The murk is too thick and there is no solid ground to stand on.

“We need to get closer and investigate.”

I knew this, but now that Niss had said it, it was also an order. So carefully we slid over the murk in our boat-shoes,. When we got to the purple stalks there was no sign of the bird/Andalite.

“Try climbing one of these purple stalks. We haven't seen them before and they look sturdy enough.”

I inched towards the stalks. They felt rather firm. I gently slid one of my wristblades into its stem. It went in rather easily, not like wood at all. Then I put some weight on the blade, trying to pull myself up a bit. Instead a long gash appeared and some redish liquid started dripping out. The stalk shriveled and collapsed on top of me. Then the bird struck. Niss never saw it coming. It raked the back of his host's head, nearly severing it from the neck. And gone it was again, as quickly as it came.

I tried to pull myself out of the murk but it was sucking me deeper. The bird dove straight for my face. I dropped backwards, stretching out my arms. The bird flapped its four wings, trying to get away from my armblades. I grazed it as the bird pulled up and flew into one of the purple stalks. The red liquid oozed over the bird. It's wings stuck together and soon it tumbled into the murk. I dipped my hands in the red liquid and glued my hands to one of the intact stalks, finally allowing me to pull myself up.

I could see the Andalite demorphing from it's bird form, while screaming in thought speak. I couldn't help him, not that I wanted to. He was thrashing about, first wildly, then more slowly, even more slowly till he lay still and started sinking down the murk. By then Niss was gone as well.

 


	9. Jessica

I couldn't focus on my homework. My mind was racing too much after today.

“Do you believe in aliens?” I asked Aisha.

She held up her hand. She probably just wanted to finish reading the passage before answering me. So I waited patiently. She closed her quran and spun in the chair.

“You do know I want to be an astronaut, right?”

I started blankly at her. Of course I knew. It seemed like every other week she'd go over her plans; join the airforce at eighteen; study astronomy; apply to NASA. Well it was a bit more complicated than that, but it was the general path she'd laid out for herself.

“That means yes,” she added.

“What do you think they are like?”

“I don't really know.” she turned again to look out the window at the stars. “To be honest, I don't really want to like imagine them. If I imagine to much, I might be disappointed when I do get to meet them. Isn't that part of the fun of exploring though? Not knowing what you're going to find?”

“I guess so.”

Aisha spun back to face me. “Did something happen today? You're rather talkative.”

“No, yes, well kind of,” I started stumbling again. “Sarah and I were watching the stars tonight, and well, we kind of talked about aliens and stuff. And she seemed really excited about them.”

“Someone's got a crush,” she halve-sang the words.

I shook my head.

“Don't worry, just teasing you a bit. But what did you do all day with her? You couldn't have been stargazing before the sun went down.”

I shifted on the bed a bit. I was too nervous to make up a lie now. I was also too nervous to tell the truth. And staying quiet didn't seem like a good option. Today had been a good day though, maybe I could take a little risk now.

“Can you keep a secret?”

Aisha rolled aside and pointed at the quran on my desk. “We already have a secret don't we? I guess we can have another one if you want.”

“We went shopping.”

“Shopping? As in, shopping for clothes?”

I nodded.

“That's not really a big secret, but okay. I won't tell anyone. So what did you get? Same old plain jeans and T-shirt?”

I shook my head. “A skirt.”

Aisha was silent. We just sat there. I just waited for her to leave the room and tell dad or mom. But she didn't, she just sat there.

“Like, a kilt? Or like an actual girl's skirt?”

“A girls skirt.”

There was more silence. Finally Aisha stood up. My heart started skipping beats. And then trying to make up for it.

“If you wanted a skirt, you could have asked to borrow one of mine.”

That was an answer that I in no way had anticipated. I wasn't even sure what she meant by it.

“Well I'm tired.” She yawned as if she need to prove her statement. “You're probably tired as well. We should probably have the rest of this conversation when we've had some sleep. Goodnight.”

She hugged me and left my room. She had never hugged me like that before. No, wait, she had. When I had given her her thirteenth birthday present, the quran that was still on my desk. I put it back in it's box and hid it away once more. I put my homework on my desk. There was no way I could finish it tonight. I just crawled into bed. As I lay there, waiting for the sleep, tears started welling up in my eyes. I wasn't sure whether they were happy tears or sad tears. I guess I would know tomorrow.

 


	10. Esran

I had to make it back to the ship but I wasn't sure anymore where that was. Nor how I could even get there. I had lost my boat-shoes. The red goo let me stick to the mushroom-trees a bit, but how long would it last? Fortunately the mushroom-trees seemed a lot sturdier when you didn't have to sink your blades in them. I could jump from tree to tree, though it was slower than when I was swinging in the native trees of the hork-bajir world. That was a real rush at least, at high speed, jumping, the air time, the grace and strength.

I stopped. Those thoughts weren't mine. They hadn't come from the host either. At least not in the normal way. This could only mean one thing. I was starving. The first signs of kandrona starvation. I only had a few hours left to make it back to the ship and our broken little pool. I couldn't afford to get lost.

All the mushroom-trees looked so similar though. It was hard to tell one from another. I started cutting trees down to mark where I have been. The memory of the felling of trees on the hork-bajir home world started seeping in. My host had never screamed as loud as then. He had loved the trees. And hated the yeerks, and our pools. That's why the trees had to go. To make room for one of the great pools on their homeworld.

There were a lot of downed mushroom-trees here. And not neatly cut down with blades, but snapped and broken. It was crash site. I was nearly there. I bounced on the fallen trees, following the path. I saw the ship. An andalite ship...

 


	11. Jessica

FLASH!

The sudden eruption of light sent me reeling back a bit. I blinked, trying to get my sight back to normal.

“Aww, you moved.” Sarah came up to me, disposable camera in hand.

“Please don't surprise me like that.”

“Sorry, but the art of a good photo is to ambush people when they are at their cutest.” Sarah sat down besides me.

“I didn't know you're a photographer.”

“I'm not. It's just, photos are about memories right? So wouldn't a posed photo be kind of like a fake memory?” She raised her camera and snapped a picture of a group of people just as they started laughing. “Hmm it might be a bit blurry.”

We just sat there on our bench; me sipping my tea and Sarah occasionally snapping a picture. Today the Sharing had been cleaning up litter all over the city. Now everyone was relaxing with cups of coffee, tea or cocoa.

“So how does it feel, being able to just be Jessica?” Sarah had put the camera down and was looking at me. I kind of wished she had kept looking at the crowd, it wouldn't have made me so nervous.

“It's nice.” I just stared into my cup. It's been several weeks now since we went shopping. But even if I wasn't wearing my girl clothes people still treated me as Jessica. It gave me a bit of a double feeling. It was indeed nice, but having my new name associated with who I still was made me feel a bit uneasy.

“Do you want it to last? That you could just be Jessica forever?”

I think I would like that, but I knew I couldn't. My father wouldn't stand for it. And worse, I would grow up. Puberty could hit me at any moment. And then it would be over.

“I can't,” I said.

“I didn't ask you that,” Sarah shook her head, “I asked you what you wanted.”

“I'd like, but my dad ...”

“He doesn't matter.” Sarah just cut me off. “If you're worried that you would lose your family, know that you will always have a family right here.” She gestured at the crowd, the members of the Sharing. “A family that will accept you and welcome you without the prejudice you run into everywhere else.”

“Even if I'm … grown up?”

“You're worried about puberty, aren't you?” I was starting to wonder if Sarah was psychic. “Don't worry,” she continued, “we can help with that too.”

I hardly could believe what I was hearing.

“Why?”

“Why what?” So Sarah wasn't psychic after all.

“Why are you helping me like this?”

Sarah leaned back on the bench and looked at the stars. “Isn't this what humans are supposed to do? Help one another out? It's also one of the basic principles of the Sharing, helping people. I'm not sure if I can call it totally selfless though. Because I know that at some point you won't need help anymore. And then others might look to you for help. And I can only hope that at that point, you won't turn them away. No matter who they are or what they need. It would be a much better world if we could just all learn to be like that.”

What she was saying made a lot of sense. I wonder if I'd ever have the strength to help out someone like she was. Maybe I did need to let them help me first before I … FLASH!

“Your pensive look is rather cute.” Sarah was laughing. “Well I have other obligations here. Hang in there Jessica. And don't worry too much, Okay?”

 

 


	12. Esran

The andalites had already spotted me. I couldn't run away. They could just morph into one of those birds and swoop down on me. Yet they hadn't killed me. Maybe there was still a chance.

“Andalite friends.” I called out. The andalites turned their stalk eyes to each other.

I approached them. I had started this ruse so now I had to follow it through. “Keplak is free. Yeerk starved. Yeerk yelled in head. But Keplak strong. Now Keplak free. Andalite friends fly Keplak home?”

The andalites were talking among themselves. Since they use thought speak, I couldn't hear what they were saying. It was nerve wrecking. Still I kept my body aloof. Hork-bajir wouldn't have such worries, so I couldn't show any. Memories of my first assignment were dredged up. I was still in a taxxon host back then. I had heard that sometimes officers would kill a host to make a point clear. And taxxons weren't very valued as hosts so I was a prime target. Luckily it was another taxxon that fell pray to this demonstration. And out came the reason why no one liked taxxons as hosts. As soon as the guts started pouring out the hunger activated. No not activated, it was always active, it went in overdrive. All I could do was try to steer the hunger away from the fallen taxxon's head and the yeerk was making it's way out. Someone with a Hork-bajir host swooped them up and carried them to the safety of the pool. But still they were always just a twitch away from being eaten. And it could have just as well been me that could have been at risk.

<What happened to the ship?> one of the andalites asked in thoughtspeak

“Ship crashed. The engines broke. The kandrona broke. Everything broke.”

<Can you be more specific? What parts of the ship are still intact?>

“Keplak don't know.”

They went back to talking between themselves, yet never taking their eyes of me.

<Can you lead us to the ship>

“Keplak will take you.”


	13. Jessica

Thanks to Sarah I was now on a time limit. And I was about to miss it. Negligence on my part. So I was preparing to try to make it anyway. Ever seen any of those kids who really, really want to get out class and are ready to bolt the moment the bell rings? That was me right now. Everything I could clean up was already in my bag, which I grabbed tightly. My eyes were on the clock counting down the minutes and seconds. I was a nervous wreck. It was quite different from the other times I was nervous and/or a wreck. This time I knew what I could do. If only that clock would move a bit faster. I had everything planned out already. The moment was almost there. Five, four, three, two, one. There was this slight delay before the minute-hand jumped. The bell rang. Before the teacher could finish his last sentence I was out in the hallway. Straight ahead. Second hallway to the right. Second door to the left. I pulled open a stall. Dropped my stuff on the ground. Stripped down my pants. Sat down on the toilet. Not a moment too soon.

I never would have thought I would find the sound of peeing so gratifying. But this was my life now. Having to pee every few hours. Whose bright idea was it anyway to use a diuretic as an anti-androgen anyway?

I was all done and ready to go out. But there were other people. I could hear them. Walking around, washing their hands, flushing. So I stayed put. I waited for the bathroom to be quiet again. I slipped out as soon as I could. I would wash my hands when I got home.

Sarah was waiting for me by the schoolgates, waving me over. She had been doing this more frequently lately, almost thrice a week by now. I guess that's part of being a member. It was very tiring though. Especially this picking me up after school to help with some errands or odd jobs. And I heard that full members have even more responsibilities. It would be worse than the amount of time mom had made us spend in church. Every step I took they felt heavier. I wasn't sure I was up for what she had planned today.

“Hey.” She always spoke first.

I nodded. “What's there to do today?”

“Nothing,” she said.

I should have been relieved. That's how I imagined it. Instead my stomach decided to practice it's knots.

“I'm just here to give you some photos. And offer you a ride home if you want.”

I took the envelope she was holding out and put it in my backpack. I wasn't sure about the ride home yet. It would mean being with Sarah. If she wanted to talk, I wasn't sure what I'd do or say. On the other hand being out on the street with thoughts like these; crossing on the red; just walking out. I tried to push the images away. Sarah's car it was.

I just got in without a word. Sarah spent most of the ride in silence.

“Is something bothering you?” And gone was the silence.

“I'm tired.”

Sarah sighed. “It's not a lack of sleep tired, isn't it?”

I nodded. I wasn't sure she was able to see me though.

“I know that you sometimes have troubles with life. I mean it was obvious the first time you came to an event. And since then I've hinted at this from time to time, but we really can help you with that. I didn't want to push it since I think it needs to be your decision. After all you can't help someone who doesn't want it.”

I just stayed silent so Sarah just kept talking. She was half-repeating herself. It just boosted my discomfort with it all. I started counting down the houses.

“So Jessica,” Sarah held my arm, keeping me from getting out. “Sorry if I was a bit pushy today, but I want you to know that we're here for you. You don't need to make a decision today. Take some time to think about it. And whatever you choose, we'll support you in it. Okay?”

I nodded and got out of the car. Sarah didn't pull away till I was well inside the house. Did she think I couldn't hear her car? And why was I thinking bad thoughts about Sarah? She had been helping me. She had offered to help some more. Then why was I thinking so badly of her? I had to make my way upstairs. It was a familiar route. It wasn't until I was in my room that I was home.

I just tossed my stuff on the ground and sat on my bed. I put my nails on my forearm and gently pulled them along. Not enough pressure to scratch but enough to feel it. And again. And again. I am not sure how long I sat there, but suddenly I knew I had to pee again.

The toilet was a good place to think. Unfortunately I couldn't stay there too long. I wasn't the only one who needed to pee. Aisha was knocking on the door, telling me to hurry it up. Maybe I could try to talk to her about what was happening. Then again I wasn't good at talking to people. I could try to bounce my ideas off her, see what she has to say about them. After all I kept going in circles in my own mind. Aisha banged on the door again.

I opened the door. Aisha shot right passed me and slammed the door closed. I stood there looking at it for a while.

“Needed to pee that bad?” I asked.

“Not pee. Period,” she said from inside.

“Sorry it took so long. I was reading a magnificent book.”

“Okay.”

I hoped she understood the message. I realized though that I still hadn't washed my hands yet. Since the bathroom was occupied, I went to the kitchen. Mom was busy getting supper ready. I was barely ten minutes to dinner. Too little time to go back upstairs, so I just wandered around the dining and living room a bit. I heard the car pull up on the driveway. Dad was a bit later than usual. I waited at the door, listening to his steps. Just before he reached the door I opened it. Dad was a bit surprised by that.

“Welcome home,” I said.

“What a nice welcome, maybe I should come home late more often.” He hung up his coat and started for the kitchen.


	14. Esran

I wonder how many lies I could fit into one badly constructed sentence. I had absolutely no idea, where the our ship was. I wasn't Keplak. My host wasn't even keplak, their name was Hemrjaa Jeer. I wasn't taking them their to help them, but to lure them into a trap I wasn't even sure existed yet. And last of all, I wasn't strong. I was dying of kandrona starvation. I wasn't even sure I would be able to feed when I got back.

Still I had to keep moving, most of the andalites in tow. They had their bird morphs and were able to move a lot faster than me. I saw them circling overhead, goading me on to go faster. After all they had a two hour time limit in their morphs. I didn't care. I really really didn't care. I was too busy trying to find my way, holding a strong grip on my host's mind and trying to not be bothered by the hallucinations and memory leaks I was suffering.

For yeerks, more than any other species, the paradigm “you are your mind” is true. And kandrona starvation made you lose your mind in the worst possible way. It started slowly, being unable to control your memories, they became intrusive and part of your actual thoughts, not just a distant memory. And they weren't just your own memories. Any memory, also host memories that you had gathered over the years. More and more the feelings from those memories started to drip in and become part of my thoughts.

One of the first memories to come up was of my previous hork-bajir host. In the battle of their homeworld, there were skirmishes. In one of those I had my host kill his male love partner. The sadness, the anger, the despair he felt than. It became my favorite memory to torment him. When he was giving me trouble I'd dredge up, and again and again, till he was emotionally numb and exhausted. And now it was my turn to feel it. I was sad, despair and I was angry. Not sure who I was actually angry with, I was just angry.

Still I kept a steady pace. If I showed but a single sign of my problems, the andalites would know I was tricking them. Though, would they really be that perceptive? Maybe they were just as desperate to get out of here and were willing to take some chances. I wasn't sure what andalites ate, but I doubt it would grow on this forsaken moon.

<We're almost there. Good timing too, our morphtime is almost out.>

I couldn't believe it, I had actually found our ship again. I had to act quickly before the ruse was blown. We had to get them all at once or this would turn into a very ugly fight. Five andalite warriors against five starved yeerks with hork-bajir hosts. And there were two more andalites left at their ship.

“Keplak bring andalite friends.” I shouted out to the guard. From here I couldn't see who it was. Too dark. I could just hold out hope that they would get the ruse. And another memory started dripping in. This was one of mine. It was in a battle. Someone had slit open my hosts belly, he was dying. I managed to slip out of his brain before I shared his fate. And there I lay, helpless, hoping that someone would find me and return me to the pool. I lay there too long. I was starting to dry out. I slithered closer to my dead host and wallowed in their blood. And I lay there again. The host body was moving or at least that's what it felt like. Then it hit me, the battle was over and the taxxons were cleaning up. I had been in a taxxon before. I know that their hunger would not care about what was living yeerk and what was dead host. It would all be consumed. If I tried to slither they would notice me, but I was covered in blood. Would they see me as yeerk or as food? All the fear of the moment started dripping into my mind again.

“Andalite friends fix the ship?”

I was relieved. This might just pay off.

<We can have a look at it for you. Maybe we can repair it.> The andalite leader said in thoughtspeak. <Do you have somewhere we can land and demorph?>

The guard went inside. “Andalite friends are here to fix the ship.” I heard him say faintly.

Someone else came out. “Welcome andalite friends. Come in ship. Yeerk tried fix ship. Hork-bajir can't fix ship. Andalite smart. Andalite fix ship.”

<Of course we're smarter. We'll fix your ship.>

You could almost feel the smugness dripping into your mind as the Andalite spoke. But they complied. All five of them flew into the ship. I hurried to the ship as well. I didn't want to miss a moment of this. When I got there, one of the andalites was almost done demorphing. The rest sat in bird form, a bit uneasy. They weren't completely stupid it seemed.

Then the four others started demorphing too.

“Now!”

I jumped on one of the demorphing andalites and sliced it open with my wristblades. I sliced of wings and paws and the head. It was nothing more than a bloody mess. I jumped to the next one slit up as bad as the first one. The third one was starting to form it's andalite tail already. It was my first target. It howled in thoughtspeak, trying to crawl away. But a half assed bird isn't a match for a Hork-bajir. With one step I was on him again and this time I finished him off. I looked around for a next target but the battle was already over. Five dead andalites, one dead hork-bajir. Luckily their yeerk made it out in time. I carefully picked it up.

“Well done, Esran.” It was rare to get a commendation from a subvisser, even a lowly one. “Now can you take us to the andalite ship? We might strip it for parts to repair our ship.”

“I know the way. There are still two andalites on the ship though.” I said.

“Very well. We can probably take them. We still have the element of surprise. Get ready, we're going to get off this cursed moon if it's the last thing we do.”

“Subvisser?” I said, “I need to use the pool or I might starve soon.”

“Okay. Illim will take over your host for now.” He pointed at the yeerk in my hands. “I will set up a rotation system to make the best use of the pool and the hosts.”


	15. Jessica

It was nearly bedtime when I finally heard the knock on my door.

“I'm sorry. I had a lot of homework. So is there something you wanted to talk about?” Aisha spoke first.

I had been thinking about what I wanted to say, but as soon as Aisha had entered I had lost everything. It was again one big mess inside my head. I couldn't make out beginning or end or anything. I needed a new way to open this conversation.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“Uhm … I'm Aisha, remember?”

I shook my head. “No I mean, what makes you you? Who are you in that way?”

She just sat there for a while thinking. “I don't know really. That's kind of a really deep question. Is this about you being trans?”

“No, it's about me, but not about being trans really.” I hesitated to find the right words, though it seems like the words I wanted didn't even exist. I just had to make do with the words I had. “It's like, I have difficulty saying things. Doing things. Thinking things even. My mind is like a mess. I can like think things that most people don't seem to think. But like other things tend to get lost in that. But this is me. My thinking is who I am, right? So if I wanted to do things like other people do things, I would have to do something about my thinking. But if I change my thinking, if my thinking is me, wouldn't I stop being me then?”

Aisha just sat there. “uh...” she finally started. Then she paused again. “Maybe it would be best if talked about this with an adult? I know I said you could always talk to me, but I was more thinking about something the level of boy-problems or something. This is a bit too confusing for me.”

“Who?”

“Maybe your friend Sarah? The one from the Sharing?”

I shook my head. Sarah was the one who proposed it, would she be able to answer the question unbiased? She did seem to want to help, but when you try to help based on wrong presuppositions about the person you're trying to help you can do a lot more harm than good. Like dad did when he tried to get me into sports because he thought that the competitiveness and camaraderie of it would help me become more, well, someone I'm not. Mom is equally willing to help me, but neither she nor dad understand me, meaning it never works out. Not for me and not for them. What are the chances Sarah would be able to properly understand me? After all she's only met me two months ago at the most. Yet she seems to have a better grasp on me than my parents seem to do. Maybe it is because she doesn't have aspirations for me. Yet the way she has been acting, she maybe does have them. But perhaps they are better in line with what I want so …

“Hello, Venus to Jessica.”

… maybe letting her follow through on them wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe I could try with Aisha again. After all, if Sarah could understand me, maybe Aisha could do to. Though I wasn't sure if Aisha was willing to properly listen and make sense of the words I was spouting. With Sarah …

“Saturn to Jessica?”

… this had never seen like a real problem. I had wondered if she was psychic before, but maybe she was just very observant of people in some way. She could have a quick understanding of people, in the same way I have a quick understanding of scientific concepts. But if she did have an understanding of people in that way, wouldn't she have realized that forcing me to do some many things would have a negative impact on me? After all the only reason I was considering this …

“This is Pluto, please come in Jessica.”

… was because Sarah had pushed me this far. This means that either she doesn't actually understands me as well as I had first thought, which would mean that the help she would offer me might not be that good after all. Or she does understand me, meaning that she knew pushing me would have this effect on me. But that didn't make any sense whatsoever. If she wanted to help me the best, or at least the first thing, she could have done was not push me like that. Unless she pushed me to realize that I needed her help. But why ….

“Jessica! Don't make me bring other solar systems into this!”

I looked up at Aisha. Her raised voice had scared me a bit. Gone was my train of thought.

“Finally,” she said, “I called out to you five times and you didn't respond at all.”

I just sat there. What could I say? Would I even have been able to say it?

“I need to go to bed. Let me just say one last thing. Maybe you should try looking at it from a different angle. Maybe try asking what would make you happier.” Aisha got up and headed for the door. “Goodnight.” And she was gone.


	16. Esran

Glorious kandrona. It wasn't much, but it was better than starving. I swam all throughout the little pool, just to make sure I could absorb all I could. The pool quickly started to feel empty, the kandrona that was being produced was barely noticeable, still, better than starving. I started to wonder what was going on outside the pool.

A hork-bajir head dipped into the pool a bit. I swam closer. A yeerk came out, I quickly went in and took over. This definitely wasn't my normal host.

“We've reached the andalite ship now. According to Esran's information, there are still two andalites left on there. We need to find and kill them before we can salvage their ship for parts to fix ours. Since Espeen has the most technical knowledge he will be staying safe in the pool of the ship. Esran, since you most have most recently fed, and have been here before, you shall take the front position. Do not use your dracon beams. We can't afford to accidentally damage something we need. Move out!”

Well now I knew what was going on. I could see the andalite ship through the windows. It was amazing that we managed to get here. But that was enough time being amazed. I had a job to do.

“Maybe I can try to uphold the ruse still?”

“I doubt they would fall for it. But you can try.” Subvisser ninety seven said.

I exited the ship. Finding a way to the andalite ship was a bit tricky. They had their door open and one of the andalites was standing guard at it.

“Keplak bring ship. Now andalite friend can fix ship. We can fly home.”

The andalite had their eyes on the ship. They were probably trying to contact their companions. But no reply would come, I knew this. I had to be fast. I was found out, but I was already on the ramp leading up the ship. They reached for their shredder. I lunged. We traded, and arm for an arm. Not a very fair deal, but it was better than being blasted into pieces. I swung my remaining arm at their head. They jumped to the side. One of their hooves slipped of the ramp. A chance! I threw my weight at the andalite. At the same time they lashed at me with their tail. They caught me in the chest, but they couldn't stop me from sending them of the ramp and into the toxic sludge. I didn't have to check what happened after. My host was dying. I had to bail. Before I could fully evacuate, the andalite's screaming started. It was horrifying. Their thoughtspeak seemed to carry every ounce of terror the andalite was feeling. Apparently they don't deal well with the toxic sludge.

I felt three pairs of heavy feet stomping by me on the ramp. Then nothing for quite a while. I just lay there, still. I shot of some electrolocation waves, but it didn't show me much. My dead host lying next to me and that was it. So I just waited. I was picked up and place in the pool. Or at least what was pool water. At least I was safe for now.


	17. Jessica

You know those nights where you just can't get your brain to shut up? And because of that you just lie awake all throughout the night. And when you get up you're so tired that you think your brain should be exhausted as well, but it isn't and it's just going on and on, just with a little less sense than the night before. So you have no choice but to go through the day in a half zombielike state, with your brain continuing to make it worse hour after hour?

Well that was pretty much the next day for me. I just underwent school. For once though, the reputation of being a quiet one was helping me out. Sarah was waiting for me after school again. This time no doubt for something more serious than just handing over some pictures. She waved me over. I just froze. I hoped she would take the hint. She didn't. She was walking over.

“Is everything alright?” she asked.

“No.”

“Come on lets talk about it.” She reached out to touch my shoulder.

“NO. No. no.”

Her hand stopped just short of me. All I had to do was walk away. It took me over a minute but I managed to start moving. Then faster and faster. Some part of me wanted her to call after me. To shout “Jessica!”. Let everyone know who I was. What was I thinking?

After a few blocks I stopped my random traveling and started towards home instead. Why was I even doing this? I had never acted like this. This wasn't the first time there was pressure. Yet it was the first time I chose it for myself.

SCREEEEEEE!!!!

My heart jumped .

“Idiot!” The driver pulled away.

I stood there, heart pounding, one foot still on the crosswalk. I was alive. I was still alive. I was glad to be alive. I was glad I was still alive. I was such an idiot.

I had to get home fast. This time I checked for traffic though. At home I didn't greet anyone. I couldn't risk losing what I was thinking off. I head up to my room. I had stashed them in the same place I hid Aisha's Quran. Aisha had been right. I took the pictures out of the envelop. I went through them. Sarah had called me cute, but what I saw, what I needed to see was something else. A smile here, me laughing there. I was happy. That's was what had changed.

But it wasn't enough. I had a taste but I wanted more. I wanted to be able to talk to people. To listen to what excited them without feeling like I had run a marathon. I wanted to tell them about me, about the books I liked, about the wondrous world that excited me so much. I wanted that without having to struggle for words, without feeling that every other word I used was inadequate, that I was inadequate.

But I was scared as well. Scared to lose what I already had. Scared that I wouldn't be as excited anymore. That whatever joy I already felt would be lost. Scared of what I would lose if I went after what I wanted.

But I had been scared before. I had been scared of going to the first Sharing meeting. But it had worked out really well. Mostly thanks to Sarah. And I had been so rude to her today. I had to apologize to her. And tell her I had made my decision.

 


	18. Esran

The next few days were absolute horror. We set up a routine that allowed Espeen to get as much kandrona as possible so he could fix the ship. The three of us left took turns helping him. The subvisser had died during the attack. So we were down to two hosts and four yeerks. Since we weren't very important we took up as much kandrona starvation as we could bear. The visions the memories just got worse and worse over time. I was starting to lose track of what was real and what not. Especially while in the separate pool. When helping out, I could focus on the tasks given to me by Espeen. I wondered if we made it out of this, what I would be. I was having trouble differentiating between host memories and my own. They all just melted into one big memory pot, full of pain, dying, love, amazement. I was literally losing myself.

But Espeen did it. The ship was working again. We could go home again. Well not home exactly, our true home was still being blockaded by the andalite fleet, but a proper yeerkpool with a working kandrona. The ship's computers were still not running optional and so we had some difficulty making it to nearest yeerk outpost. But we made it. All of us in varying stages of insanity and starvation, but still alive.

Being back in a proper pool was ecstatic. The kandrona, the other yeerks, the kandrona, the space, the kandrona. I could feel who I was again, I could distinguish between myself and my hosts, I could tell reality from fiction again. Well for the most part of it. I was so happy I wanted to dance. I stroked against the other yeerks, inviting them, but no one wanted to play. They all just wanted to get back to their hosts. I didn't have a host anymore, so I couldn't. But for the moment I just didn't care.

I was in the pool for almost five days before they retrieved me. I had to make a memory dump. No one was looking forwards to recording the memories of a kandrona starvation, nor was anyone sure how trustworthy the memories of a delusional yeerk were, but protocol was protocol. After the recording I had some time with the host. That's when I heard the great news. A class five species. A number of host bodies that had to be expressed in billions. Billions. It didn't take long for me to decide I wanted to go to earth. There were no objections of course. The first full scale yeerk pool had been build there and they could now move in more yeerks.

A week later I was packed in a transport pool, with barely any room to move. But no one cared about this. We were going to earth. A billion hosts. There would be no competition for hosts anymore. Sure there would be more pools spawned, but a billion, how could ever raise that many yeerks. I wondered what they were like. It was amazing. Only two weeks ago I was wondering when I'd finally die, and now, I was as excited as a yeerk could be. Maybe there was something in the universe watching over us.

 


	19. Jessica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica tells Sarah she'll accept her help. Curious what this help entails she eavesdrops on the Sharing meeting. She is spotted and nearly captured. Luckily Sarah can defuse the situation a bit.

I only saw Sarah the next Saturday. She hadn't try to pick me up from school the rest of the week.

“I thought you needed some time to figure things out,” she said.

We were on the beach again, much like the first time we talked.

I nodded. “I'm sorry.”

“It's alright. We all freak out from time to time. What's important is what you do afterwards. So you're going to tell me what you decided?” Sarah laid back against a dune, eyes closed as if she was resting. I appreciated this. It made it easier to talk. Now all I had to do was get the jumble of words from my mind to my mouth.

“Well, I was worried, scared. I never really felt like there was something good to lose. You've been good to me. I would like you to help me more, but I'm scared cause I don't know what it means. But I trust you, Sarah, you'll be there for me, right?”

There was a moment of silence. Then Sarah peered at me through one eye. “Anything else you want to say?” I shook my head.

“Very well.” Sarah jerked her body upright. “It's okay to be unsure or worried or scared about such decisions. And yes, we will always be there for you.” She held out her hand. I placed mine in it and she gently squeezed it. “Don't worry, everything will be fine.”

“So let me explain how we're going to do it. I'll first have to talk it over with the others, and then we'll get things rolling to help you. But first you need to tell me what it is you want help with most.”

I had to think, not just on what it was, but how to explain it. “You remember the first time? I don't want it to go like that again.” I hope that was clear.

Sarah cocked her head a bit. “Geez, I don't know. Picking the jam-and-cheese sandwich is a special kind of evil, not sure if we can actually help with that.”

I just stared at her.

“Okay, maybe not the best moment to make a joke. Don't worry I know what you mean, the whole freak out thing, right?”

I nodded.

“Well then,” Sarah stood up. “Best I get to it. The meeting should start soon. You can wait here or go back to the group if you want. I'll drive you home afterwards and we can talk about what's been decided. Does that sound like a good plan to you?”

I nodded. And so Sarah left me there. Normally I have no problem being alone. But now I was excited, I was curious, I wanted to know what was going on. They were going to be talking about me after all, weren't they? So what would be the harm of listening in a bit?

I started sneaking over in the direction Sarah had went. There were some people who looked like they were on the lookout or guarding or something. They weren't doing a very good job at it though. These people must really like their privacy. Or maybe they also discussed some confidential things. I sure knew I wouldn't like people overhearing what they would have to say about me. I felt kind of guilty about it now, but not enough to turn back. I could hear their voices. I hid in a dune where I could hear them. Sarah was speaking.

“I need about a week to ease her in. It shouldn't be a problem.”

“Do you have any suggestions for a yeerk for her yet?” An unknown voice said. What was a yeerk anyway? I'd have to ask Sarah about that.

“I was thinking about Esran.”

“That name sounds somewhat familiar.” A second unknown voice.

“It's one of the survivors from the horror of Barjkat Sal. They were with the transport that arrived three weeks ago. Any particular reason you chose this one, Salam?” The first unknown again.

“Well with what they've been through, a simple unimportant voluntary host might be just what they need.” Sarah's voice. But she responded to the name Salam. Maybe I misheard that.

“You're too kind, Salam. But very well, it is approved.” First unknown. And there was that name again. I was sure of it. Maybe it wasn't Sarah after all. I decided to get a peek to see I wasn't somehow wrong. Sarah was definitely there. Her posture, her black curls, it had to be her.

“You might not have a week to ease her in.” unknown two was pointing at me.

“GET HER!” unknown one yelled.

This is the part where most people would run. I tend to freeze when that happens.

“No! Wait!” Sarah's voice. “Jessica, come here.”

I was found out. Nobody moved, everyone seemed unsure what to do. If I'd run they'd come after me for sure. I poked my head out, clearly visible.

“It's okay, Jessica. We just want to talk.” Sarah had taken a step towards me.

I started walking over to her. I was trembling.

Sarah squatted when I got to her and took my hands, gently squeezing them. “What were you doing snooping around like that? These meetings are private for a reason.”

“Sorry” I managed to mumble.

“I know it's hard for you to speak right now, but I need you to tell me what you overheard.”

“They called you salam.”

“That's good, keep talking.”

“Something about a bar cat named Sal.”

“okay, anything else?”

“Something about a yeerk.”

Sarah sighed. “I think we need to have a long talk now.”


	20. Jessica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah and Salam talk to Jessica about yeerks and offer her their deal. To become a host and let the yeerk help her with her problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Ableist language

Sarah was sitting next to me leaning against a dune. I supposed she didn't want to make me any more nervous than I already was. The four men standing around us certainly weren’t there to keep me calm. Sarah had tried to convince them that their presence wasn't needed, but they wouldn't hear it.

“Where to start?” Sarah sighed. “Maybe it's easiest if I just show you. Remember, what you're about to see is normal, there is no reason to panic. I'll be fine. But I do need you to watch it carefully, okay?”

She turned her ear towards me, holding her hair clear of it with one hand and holding the other beneath her ear. At first she just sat there, still. Then I saw something moving in her ear. I thought it was some kind of puss that was building up in her ear canal. When it started coming out it seemed too gray to be puss. And it was in one gooey clump. Almost, almost as if her brain was leaking out. It was too fascinating to look away from. Finally the clump fell out of her ear into her hand.

Sarah took a few deep breaths. The gray clump in her hand formed into something resembling a slug.

“This,” she held out the gray slug for me to see, “is a yeerk.”

“Does it hurt?” The question was out before I could properly think of whether it was even appropriate or not.

Sarah was a bit taken aback by me asking a question. “No, not really. It's a bit uncomfortable though. Kinda like when you've taken a shower and there is some water lodged in your ear canal.”

I definitely knew that feeling.

“Yeerks are aliens, from another planet. They can live in the brains of other species. You see, when they are like this,” Sarah pointed at the yeerk in her hand, “yeerks can't see. They can't hear, they can't taste or smell. They can't even defend themselves. If I leave it sitting out here on my hand, it will soon dry out and die.”

Sarah moved her hand back to her ear and the yeerk slithered back in.

“But if we have a host, we are safe. We can see through their eyes, we can hear, we can taste, we can smell.” Sarah resumed speaking. “My name is Salam by the way. I am the yeerk living in Sarah's head. I can speak through her mouth.”

I was always a faster thinker than a speaker. I already knew where this conversation was going .

“You want to make me a host too, don't you?”

“Make you? No, not make you. At least not us. Not me and Sarah. The others, maybe. But they have the emotional subtlety of a rock. In truth they are kind of scared. You know what humans are like. Most won't accept you for the girl you are, how do you think they would react to learning that there's aliens living in people's brains. So they think they need to catch anyone that might know about what's going on.”

“But I know what's going on now, don't I? So they won't let me go, right?” I was trapped.

“Yes.”

“Then why are we still talking?” I wanted to cry or run away. I hated this freezing up. I wanted this to be over.

“Because you still have a choice to make.” I recognized this tone. It was the same tone Sarah had used on that night we talked about alien life. I remembered her words now when I asked her about life in the universe “Don't be silly of course there is”. I'm such an idiot.

“What choice?” Choosing who of them got to stuff a yeerk in my head?

Sarah/Salam was now in front me. “How you will deal with this of course.” She still had that tone. I knew some kind of long speech was going to come. “You're probably seeing this as a matter where the outcome is already fixed, so it doesn't matter what you choose. But that's not the way things work. Your choices define who you are and even the silent resignation you're sinking into is a choice. But you don't have to pick that. You can fight us tooth and nail, you can resist the yeerk every waking moment. And you can also choose to accept it. Sarah has. And she hasn't regretted it since. This was the path we wanted for you.

“You might think that what we offer is some kind of enslavement. But that's not the way we see it at all. You're already trapped; in here.” She pushed a finger to my forehead. “Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your head filled with thoughts you never get to express? Don't you have difficulty talking to other people? Don't you have difficulty just being around other people? A yeerk wouldn't have problems with that. They would know your thoughts and be able to actually express them. Whenever we said that we could help you, this is what we meant, from day one.”

Sarah stood up. She held out her hand to me. “I know you're scared, but trust me when I say it will be fine. This is a chance you might not get again. Don't waste it just because you're scared. You're not alone in this.”

I really wish I could believe her. That I could trust her. But as she said, it had been Salam speaking through Sarah's mouth. How did could I know that she wasn't just trying to lure me in with lies. She had been using 'we' but was that really the case. Still Salam had been outside of Sarah, if Sarah had wanted she could have warned me or said anything. But she hadn't. It was something at least. I wish I could talk to just Sarah for a moment. The Sarah I had always known, but was she really Sarah or Salam?

I took Sarah's hand and let her pull me up. She pulled me further, into an embrace.

“I'm sorry we had to dump all of this on you in such a short time. We had hoped to ease you in over a week. But you know, things happened.”

“I want to speak to Sarah, just Sarah.” I muttered.

“We'll go to the pool. You can talk to her a bit there, okay?”

Pool? What pool?


	21. Jessica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah and Jessica go to the yeerk pool. Sarah talks Jessica through her first infestation.

When Sarah said we'd be going to the pool, this wasn't what I had in mind at all. I was thinking about some nice clean water, people having fun, children playing. In the yeerk pool, there were no kids playing, it didn't seem like a very fun place and water was as murky as, as I don't know what. I even missed the stench of chlorine.

While we descended Salam told me more about what life as yeerk was like. About the pool and kandrona rays. Life the pools sounded kind of boring. There wasn't really anything to do. Still the yeerks seemed to be fond of their pools. I guess I can at least understand the excitement of not starving. We were kind of similar in that fashion. I wondered if yeerks ever went in kandrona-strike. Salam had never heard of something like that, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen.

I was just trying to distract myself from all the screaming coming from the pool. Or more accurately from the cages around the pool. Salam told me about the involuntary hosts. Part of me wish she didn't. I was terrified enough of the prospect of letting an alien in my head. Hearing that they basically kidnapped people wasn't helping at all. Of course I should have already known it from the conversation at the beach, but to actually see them, screaming for their life was a different matter.

“Normally we release our host at that pier.” Salam pointed at one of the two steel piers that stretched out over the pool. “But since you're probably anxious to talk to Sarah we'll take a shortcut.” Salam walked over to the edge of the pool and crawled out into Sarah's hand. She lowered Salam into the pool. Two controllers who were walking by gave her some strange looks.

“What!?” Sarah snapped. And the two were on their way again.

“So, you wanted to speak to me?” Sarah said. “Just so you know I agree with pretty much everything Salam said. However I must distance myself from any puns she may have made.”

That was a bit a weird thing to say but that at least answered the biggest question I had. Time for another then.

“So, you and Salam are …?”

Sarah shushed me and looked around.

“We're friends. Gal pals even, you know?” She whispered. “Don't expect to just get along with your yeerk though. These things take time, okay?”

She started walking me around the pool towards the piers. We started queuing at the pier that Salam hadn't pointed out. There was a mix of voluntary and involuntary hosts in front of us. The involuntary ones scared me a bit. You could hear the crying or screaming and then it would just stop and they'd walk away.

“So, what will it feel like?”

“Well I've already described what it feels like when the yeerk enters your ear. When they enter your brain you might feel a bit woozy or dizzy. After that the yeerk takes over and well I'm not sure how to describe that. But you don't have to worry, the yeerk knows what they're doing.”

The person in front of us must have heard us talking. He turned around and said, “First time, huh? Don't worry, you'll get used to it soon enough.” Then he stepped towards the end of the pier, knelt, and lowered his head towards the pool. A moment later he stood up again. “See? no problem.” The controller left the pier.

“So do you have any last moment questions?” Sarah asked.

I couldn't really think of any. I was just a bit curious how I had to do what I had to do. Well that was a question wasn't it?

“Can you guide me through it?”

“Of course,” Sarah said. She walked me to the end of the pier. I knelt like I had seen the man before me do. I knew I had to then lower my head, but I felt unsure. I was worried I'd fall over into the pool. I looked to Sarah for help.

She pointed at the Hork-bajir that was standing there. “They are here to help. Just give them your arm.”

I held out my arm and the Hork-bajir firmly gripped it. My head slowly lowered towards the pool.

“Turn your head a bit. You don't need to dip your entire face in, just your ear will do fine.”

I did as Sarah told me. The water wasn't as cold as I thought it would be. It wasn't exactly warm either, but still, warm enough that I could dip my head in without jerking back.

“Now just wait for the yeerk. They'll pull you up once they are in control.”

I felt kind of silly half sitting half hanging there. I wish I had a better sense of time, I couldn't tell if I was there for seconds or minutes. I wondered what took the yeerk so long. Then I felt something tingling at my ear.


	22. Esran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esran takes control of Jessica's body. Sarah explains earth to Esran.

Taking a new host is always exciting. Doubly so when it's a species you've never been in before. Of course they informed you a bit of what to expect, but hearing about something and experiencing it are two different things. Since this should be a voluntary host there shouldn't be any problems. The term “should” made it feel a bit unconventional. Like they expected someone to voluntarily host but then the host would suddenly change and not be voluntary anymore. What kind of a fickle species are these humans?

I was making my way through the ear canal. It was a little tight, but I could handle it. It wasn't long before I got to the brain. At least the first half. Then there was the chasm between them and the other half. The host seemed calm. No, calm was not the right word. Quite, and a bit tense. But not angry, not resisting, no terror.

All the functions were in some sort of patchwork divided over the two halves. The first thing I sought was sight. And I could see the world again. It was intense, overwhelming almost. Also I was still dipped into the yeerk pool providing a fairly limited view. But that was easily solved. I accessed the motorfunctions and started to pull myself up. A strong arm help pull me to my feet. I saw the Hork-bajir, a controller obviously, one of my kin.

I now could see the entire pool. It wasn't a very large pool. I could see my kin skimming the surface, drawing ripples all over. There were so many, and I could see each and everyone of them. Something yanked on my arm. It was another human controller. She was saying something. I tapped into the hearing.

“... are amazing. Now get out of the way, you're blocking the line.” She said. Among a thousand other sounds flooding in.

She was right. I was still standing on the infestation pier. I followed her off the pier. The infestation protocol; I had almost forgot about it. I focused on the speech-center.

“I'm am Esran ...”

“That's good, as it was meant.” She just cut me off. I wonder why we even have these protocols. I've never been able to finish one. Someone would always interrupt me.

“So, Esran, are you aware of the situation on Earth?” She asked.

“Yes. We are doing a stealth infestation. This requires ...”

“So can you pass as your host?”

“Of course I can.”

She looked at me. “Doesn't sound or look like it. Let me ask you again. Can you pass as your host?”

I dived into the host brain a bit more. I nodded as a response.

She smiled. “Good. Now let me take you to your home before your parents get worried.”

She lead me out of the pool complex, while talking non-stop. She explained about the various pool entrances, what the Sharing was, that she would take and accompany to the pool the first few times. The first would be Tuesday after school. For now I was just to get used to the host and maintaining my cover.

Before we got into the car I had to change clothes. This taking control of a host was a lot more hectic than I remembered it to be. But finally we were on our way to what would be my home for the time being.

“So now that we are alone Esran, let me explain a bit about your host.”

This was highly unusual. But I was waiting to hear what she had to say.

“She is a willing host. If she causes any trouble, talk to her about it.”

This wasn't just unusual, this was criminal.

“But the protocols ...”

“Yes I know what the protocols say about yeerk-host interactions.” She must be a subvisser, cutting people off like that. “Hosts like her are very rare. If you go by the protocols you're going to lose her as a willing host.”

“So what? I am supposed to give into her wishes?”

“When did I ever say that? Just don't go around punishing and tormenting her. If there is a problem, explain to her what she needs to do instead. If a problem persists, talk to me and I'll talk to her about it. Okay?”

It still sounded like treason to me but I agreed to it. I didn't really feel like having to fight the host for control right now. I was only just getting used to her and this planet. And she seemed docile enough. She hadn't even shown any reaction to the conversation just now. We had arrived at her house just now. I got out of the car. Before closing the door I turned to controller who had brought me here.

“What's your name? You haven't told me yet.”

“I'm Sarah,” she said.

“And your yeerk name?”

“My yeerk is called Salam five-three-eight.”

It took a while before the full significance of that sentence hit me. But that couldn't be right. I dug into the host's recent memories. It confirmed it. I had been talking to a host. An uncontrolled host. And I hadn't even noticed.

“Surprised?”

I was. I didn't know what to say to that.

“I'm a willing host too. Much like Jessica. So take care now. I'll see you both on Tuesday.”


	23. Esran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esran meets Aisha and is struggling not to give herself away. At the same time, Esran tries to get full access to Jessica's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ableist language.

I made it safely to Jessica's room. Jessica is the name of my host. She also has another name it seems but I hadn't been able to access that. I guess it's my room now too actually. The only interaction I had was with Aisha. She was Jessica's sister. Which was odd because they looked nothing alike. Jessica had white skin with short straight brown hair and grey eyes. Aisha had light brown skin, long black wavy hair and dark brown eyes. Apparently she was adopted. Jessica kept feeding me tidbits of information. Normally I would access her memory and get the information myself, but she was blocking me out of that.

I wanted to talk to her about that, why it is a bad thing for her to do. But it is something that I should do in private. Unfortunately that short interaction with Aisha meant she was going to come up to my room soon to read a quran. Which I had to get from it's hiding place. I had only just recovered it when Aisha entered. I just quietly sat on the bed while she was reading. This might allow me to talk to Jessica.

<I need to be able to access your memories.> I told her.

<Why?>

Did she just ask me why? This was getting too weird.

<Because I can't just wait and hope you'll feed me the correct information when I need it.>

<Can't you just ask me what you need to know?>

“Is something the matter?” It was Aisha. I must have let my frustration out in some way and she picked up on it. All because I was too preoccupied with talking to my host. That right there is one reason why.

“Just thinking.” I replied.

“What about?”

As far as I knew Jessica wouldn't be able to really continue a conversation like this much further.

<Go for it.> that was Jessica. She wanted me to continue? She fed me some examples of previous talks. I guess I could mimic those.

“Well it's about our memory and like how important it is. We can put a lot of what we know in books or on computers, but that won't always help us. For one, if we don't know what we have available in those books, how can we ever even begin to search for it? Also having to continuously reference those books would make conversations such a hassle wouldn't it. Imagine if I had to look up your name every time I wanted to use it? That would never work would it? So any idea of relying solely on some form of external memory would be doomed cause we'll always need an active memory to even help us access it?”

<Point taken. When Aisha is gone.> It seemed Jessica catches on quickly.

“Uhm, I guess.” Aisha walked over to me, staring in my eyes. “Jessica, you've been acting weird...” Had I already given myself away? “... these last few weeks.” I hadn't.

“It's the sharing, isn't it?” She continued. “They've been intellectually stimulating you, haven't they? Haven't you had mom's speech about how thinking about things is diabolic? Snap out of it while you still can. Your soul is on the line here.”

There was a moment of silence. I had no idea how to respond to something like this.

Aisha smiled. “that was a joke of course. You can sometimes be so dense.”

Another reason why I needed access to everything in Jessica's mind. I could have figured this out myself. I needed to get Aisha out of here.

“I'm tired,” I said.

“Okay.” Aisha walked over to her quran and closed it, putting it back in it's box.

<Don't forget to tell her “sleep well”>

“Sleep well.”

Aisha seemed a bit surprised by me speaking. “Sleep well,” she replied.

<Do you normally say that to each other?> I asked Jessica.

<No, but I always wanted to. I just have trouble saying things sometimes.>

She had used me. A host had used a yeerk. If anyone ever found out, I would never live it down. But I couldn't worry about that now. Aisha was gone, so Jessica had to come through on her promise.

<Are you ready?>

Of course I was ready. At least I thought. Then the barrier came down and her thoughts started fully opening up to me. I now realized why she hadn't shown a reaction to the conversation in the car before. She had simply been hiding it. But now it was there, forming a web with other recent thoughts.

My talk about the memory branched off into thoughts about being host and about yeerks and about what it means to be oneself. Thoughts about how central memory was to the creation of an identity. Whether memories made as a controlled host reflect more on the yeerk or the host. How the decision of a yeerk based of the host would influence the identity of the yeerk and the host. Whether the used memories from the host would become part of the yeerk and vice versa. Whether a decision made by the yeerk based of the host's memory would be truly a yeerks decision and not one of the controller.

All of this branched out further in how this would affect her and me specifically. What she wanted and needed.

And this was just the start. Just the recent thoughts. The thoughts she was actually thinking at this very moment.

<you … you live like this?> I didn't know how else to put it.

<yes, I'm used to it.>

I had a weird premonition. I started trawling through her memories for the moment of the infestation. There it was. My first entry. Feeling overwhelmed by the sight. She decided to hide her thoughts to protect me? That was …. I just did the only reasonable thing: I searched her mind of every goddamn explicative I could find.


	24. Esran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esran and Jessica go to church. Esran spots another controller and has a talk with them.

The next day I woke up with Jessica panicking about being paralyzed. It took me a bit to realize she had just forgotten I was there. She started to calm down after I got her out of bed. The first order of the day was peeing. Again. I had to get up in the middle of night for it as well. Not that I would have gotten much sleep anyway. Jessica's brain was just impossible to calm down. Especially after everything that had transpired the previous day. Then taking meds. Getting dressed. Eating a bowl of breakfast cereals, which were tastier than bark. Then again, that's not a very high standard to overcome. And finally we were all off to church.

Church was boring. I had to sit there still, listening to someone talk about Jesus and some being that sounded like it was based of Crayak. Occasionally I had to pretend to sing along. Jessica was just as bored. Despite that she still noticed everything. Every tiny motion that someone made was registered. The real challenge was figuring out which of these tiny motions had significance. And I spotted one that Jessica didn't.

<Why are you staring at that man?> Jessica asked.

<Just watch him a bit. Maybe you'll see.>

He did it again not soon after.

<So he touches his ear. That's not that unusual.>

<It's the way he touches it. I've seen this before. He's a controller.>

Jessica didn't believe me. I decided to explain it to her. Not like I had anything better to do.

<See the man in the tan jacket? He's currently playing with his earlobe. And that woman, she touches her ears as she brushes her hair back. And that man there is trying to get something out of his ear.

<Now look at what the controller is doing. He's motioning as if he's trying to put something in his ear, or trying to keep something from falling out. You often see that with inexperienced yeerks> I said.

<You did this too?>

<When I had my Gedd.>

There wasn't really anything said after that. I had expected her to ask what a Gedd was but she was too obsessed studying the controller. I was fine with that. The service was coming to an end anyway. It was followed by a reception of some sort. There was tea and coffee available and some pastries. People were clustered in little groups, talking to each other. Jessica heard it all, it was too much. For me it was a perfect testing opportunity. I could keep watch of the controller, while listening around to gauge the distance of other people around me. And if they were coming closer. This would be a rather useful skill to have.

The controller set off for the coffee table. Alone. I went there too, getting a cup of tea.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hi.” He looked at me a bit warily.

“Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem like the kind of person who goes to the pool every three days.”

His look changed to surprise. “Yeah, that sounds like me. You too?”

“Yep.”

“How did you know?”

“You were doing the ear thing.”

He looked embarrassed. “You noticed?”

“Yep,” I said, “don't beat yourself up over it. We've all done it. First host I assume.”

Our conversation had drawn Jessica's attention. She seemed a bit less nervous now.

“Yeah. Got him barely two weeks ago. Well at least you didn't notice it last week.”

“I wasn't here last week. This is only my first day.” I said.

“Thanks for undermining my last bit of confidence. But you're managing your host well for a first day. Mine was constantly fighting and he managed to slip through a few times. Nothing serious, just a broken cup and a wrong elevator button push.”

“Well she's a voluntary host, so it's not that hard.”

“You lucked out it seems.”

“Well I did kill five andalites while starving on a deserted moon. It's a good way to get access to a better host.” No better way to impress a young yeerk than talking about your war exploits.

“Can this youngling give a warhero like you one tip? Try the donuts.”

I had hoped for a bit more amazement or respect. It was bad enough that I didn't get a proper promotion or a new host after the entire ordeal. This host had been more luck than anything really. It was kind of frustrating.

“The host's parents might not like me eating something like that before our lunch.”

“Just a taster then.” He grabbed a chocolate covered donut and broke off a piece for me.

Donuts looked kind of weird for food, but I put the piece in my mouth nonetheless. The flavors! I didn't have good enough words to describe it all. But the texture, the flavors, it was all so good, so enjoyable. I had never tasted anything like this before.

I checked my watch. I didn't have much time until we were to leave for the restaurant. Best make use of the time to pass by the toilet. I wonder what weird human thought it was a good idea to invent urinals. The stalls were so much better, so much more comfortable, so much more private. Well you're never really private with a host though.

<How could you?> Jessica with an incomplete question. She must have been so frustrating for other humans, since they couldn't see into her mind. She was upset with the conversation with the involuntary controller. Or more precisely my lack or reaction to it. Or my acceptance of it.

<Why should I reject something that is natural to us. You already know we do this. You saw it in the pool. Why are fussing over this now?>

<It's not right.>

<Let me tell you what isn't right. You humans have these amazing senses and you're not appreciating them in the slightest, you're not even using some of them. You have something as tasty as donuts, and yet you still eat things like those breakfast cereals. And then you also expect us yeerks to stay away from humans just so you can waste your senses while we lack all that?>

Jessica stopped talking to me, but she was still thinking. That it still wasn't right. That we couldn't eat donuts all the time.

<Yes we could. Not just donuts but so much tasty food. When we take over this planet, we'll make sure that there's plenty for all yeerks to enjoy.>

And she stopped thinking. Or more likely she shut me out again.


	25. Esran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aisha confronts Jessica/Esran about their recent behavioral changes. Esran uses Aisha to force Jessica into complying with her. Esran manages to ease Aisha's suspicions. She then decides that they need to talk to Sarah/Salam.

Next on the agenda was the family lunch at some restaurant. Luckily I didn't need Jessica's knowledge for that. Her father ordered a menu for us all and I just had to watch what the others did. Since I was being Jessica, no one expected me to speak. So I just enjoyed the food in peace. The flavors were more varied and more subtle than that of the donut, but it was still so good.

In the afternoon the entire family played a game called uno. The rules were simple enough that I could learn them from just watching. It was just a game of chance. Then came supper. Which was quite dull in flavors. And then finally I could be alone again. Well there were the toilet breaks that were technically alone, but it wasn't alone enough to try to fix things. Of course the solitude didn't last very long.

“It's Aisha.” She came in without waiting for any approval. Of course Jessica most likely wouldn't have said a thing, so in that way it made sense.

“We need to talk,” she said, “Who was that man you were talking to this morning?”

“Someone I've seen at the Sharing.” As Sarah I had said, I could use the Sharing to cover anything up I wanted. I wasn't sure if this was what she had in mind though.

Aisha sighed. “The sharing again. It's just … lately, since you've joined the Sharing … you've been acting a bit …”

“Weird?”

“I was going to say unusual. But this is a great example. In the past you never would have completed my sentence like that. You wouldn't have stood there talking to someone like you did this morning. I'm worried about you, about what's happening to you.”

I had slipped up. If I had free access to Jessica's memories and thoughts I might not have. I guess I had no choice but to do it the hard way and break her will. But first I needed to do something about Aisha. I couldn't give her any more there-is-something-going-on-in-here impressions.

“Maybe you should come too. You'll see there is nothing to worry about.”

<No.> Well that certainly got Jessica's attention.

<If you want me to resolve this situation without Aisha ending up a controller you'll need to let me have access to your memories. No barriers.>

“I don't know if mom would go for that. She was already opposed to you going. And dad won't play favorites for me like he does for you. Can't you just tell me?”

I only half-listened to Aisha's question. I was too busy looking through Jessica's memories for something to construct a credible narrative.

“It's just...” I used Jessica's nervous stutter. “When I'm at the Sharing. They only know me as Jessica. I don't have to pretend there. I don't have to to be scared about that. I'm just Jessica there. And it makes me feel good. It fills me with a sort of strength. For the first time I feel like I can just live.”

I let some tears well up in my eyes. I could just use Jessica's sadness for that. I had opened a lot of dark memories and thoughts of hers after all.

“And you can't feel like that here? With me?” Aisha asked.

“No, there's just too much wrapped up. History. It's difficult. It's different.”

“I'm sorry. I do try my best ...”

<Hug her.>

I did as Jessica suggested. It certainly shut Aisha up.

<Don't let go>

And so we stood there. At least it calmed Jessica down a bit. There was even something nice about this all. The close proximity, feeling someone else. It was a feeling I knew as a yeerk. Touch was one of the few ways we could interact; one of the few ways to feel close to one another.

Finally the embrace ended. There was no real reason for it to end at that point, but it just did, naturally. I had one more thing to finish of this interaction.

“I need to show you something.”

Aisha waited as I retrieved the photos. As soon as she saw them she started making excited “aww” and “ooh” noises.

“You look adorable. And so happy, you're even smiling. I almost never see you smile. I never thought of you as a thigh-high kind of girl though.”

“Sarah's idea.”

“It works.” Aisha handed the pictures back to me. “Sorry about acting like I did. It's just. I only have one big sister. If I don't look after her, who will?”

“Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?” I asked.

“We'll just add that to our list of secrets.” She winked.

The conversation was over, but Aisha was still there. The silence was weirdly uncomfortable.

“Sleep well,” I said.

Aisha took the hint. “Sleep well.”

Finally I was alone. Though this conversation had worked out for the best. Jessica seemed more at ease and thus more docile. Also I had full access to her brain without really having to do something.

<We'll go see Salam and Sarah tomorrow after school. Don't put up that barrier again or next time I'll just force it down.>

Sleeping went better this time. Jessica's mind was a lot calmer. Still more active than a raging Hork-bajir mind, but manageable. I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee again though. This was a good though. Something I had counted upon. After a visit to the bathroom I snuck downstairs, grabbed the phone and punched in Salam's number.

“This is Sarah. Totally the real one. I'm not some answering machine or anything. How dare you accuse me of that? I'm just a girl that likes taking messages after she beeps.” BEEP.

What in the everloving depths of the pools was that?

“Uhm Sarah it's uhm Jessica.” I wasn't sure if anyone else was listening in on this. “Can you pick me up after school tomorrow? It's important.”

I hung up. I hoped Salam would get the message. This human technology didn't seem fully reliable.

She did. She was there next day after school and soon we were driving through the town.

“So, what seems to be the problem?” Salam asked.

“This host has shut me out of her mind a few times. I managed to resolve the situation peacefully for now, but it's a real bother. If this is what voluntary hosts are like I dread to think what involuntary ones are like.”

“So, first of all, your host has a name. Use it. Secondly I will talk to her about it. Thirdly I doubt that. Fourthly, it is. Fifthly, you don't have to worry about that. Well here we are.”

We had stopped near a small apartment complex. We took the elevator upstairs. Which is odd since the pool was underground. We entered one of the apartments.

“I'd like to pee before we descend to the pool. I'm not sure I will make it otherwise.”

Salam pointed out a door. We weren't allowed to pee in peace though.

“We're not going to the pool today.” Salam said.

“Then where are we?”

“This is where we live.”

This was a double surprise. I had had a quick glance of the room and it had looked very different from the home where I lived. Then again the city had also very different styles of building. So humans did go for a huge variety. Pointlessly confusing on the one hand, but endearingly beautiful on the other.

When I came from the bathroom I looked around a bit more. One item in particular drew my attention. An aquarium, filled with pool water. I stared at it for a moment.

“Why do you ...”

“Precisely for situations like this.” It was Sarah who was speaking. She carried Salam in her hand and let her slide into the aquarium.

“Get in.” she said.


	26. Jessica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica is released. She talks to Sarah about her feelings and doubts.

I was tired. My body; my mind; everything felt tired. Of course I had been using them without using them. I had slumped over when Esran had released me. Sarah had carried me to the sofa. I was lying there, my head on her lap. She was stroking my hair and massaging my scalp. It felt so good. And above all it felt so real. The past two days, it had all felt like behind a veil. Aisha's hug, the donut, all dulled. The noise from the school the stress of being around people as well. Was this going to be my life now?

Well it would only be like this until the yeerks took over. Then none of it would be there anymore. No hugs from Aisha. No Aisha at all. They would put a yeerk in her head and that yeerk and Esran would talk about yeerk stuff and we would be wondering what the other was thinking. I know I had chosen this, but the man at the church hadn't, none of the people in the cages had. Would they have, had they been told what was coming? Would I have, had I been told more? Sarah seemed like she had. She still chose it. Sarah.

“There's no turning back is there?” I asked

“No”

I already knew. But I still needed to be told. I just let myself be petted by Sarah.

“How do you do it?” my next question.

“Because there is still a way forward.”

But there wasn't. I had seen it. It was Esran and the yeerk. Me and that man weren't there. It would be like that for everyone. When they take over it would be like that for everyone.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“they were invading. They want it all. They want everyone.”

Sarah leaned back. Stopped petting me. Sighed.

“Because,” She said, “I had to get you into that pool voluntarily. I could have just let them drag you and forcefully let them infest you. They would put a yeerk in you that would crush you, torment you, break you. You'd be dragged from the pool to the cage and from the cage to the pool. And once you're in those cages, you'll always be in those cages. And you would be lost. First to hate. Then to despair.”

Sarah's hand found mine, interlocking our fingers. “But because of what you did in the pool. I know you were scared, terrified down there, but you had the bravery to carry on anyway. Because of that, you and Esran both have a chance to break away from all this hate that exists between our species. You may not realize this, but what Esran has done would be seen as treason by other yeerks. Just like what you did would be seen as treason by other humans. But we, Salam and me, hope that one day we can come to a point where it's no longer a choice between hate and treason.”

I had a hard time imagining that what Esran did was treason. How could it be treason? She just controlled me, utterly controlled me. Threatened me. Manipulated me. Like Sarah had; or was it Salam who had done that?

“What if I don't want to?”

“That is your right. Your mind and your decisions are yours to make. A yeerk can take over your body, but they can't take over your mind.”

“But you can.”

“What do you even mean by that?” Sarah bent over to see my face. She quickly leaned back again to let me speak though.

“You manipulated me.”

“Yes, I did. We did.” the response came quicker than I expected. “But I do want you to understand why I did it. Because I do honestly believe what I have said. That this can help you. I know this because it has helped me too. I'm not going to lie though and say that it's an easy path. That's why I needed to know that you'd be willing to work on it. Because otherwise this can't work.”

I was quiet. Was she the same as the others? Thinking that she can know what's best for me. No matter how well she seemed to be able to adapt to what I needed, still she couldn't see all the way into my mind. No one could.

Except … Except maybe a yeerk. Like Esran. But even if she could, how could I know she wanted to help me?

“How do I know if Esran will help me?” I asked.

“I think you skipped a few steps. How did you get to that question?”

I had to somehow retrace my thoughts. It wasn't easy. It was so normal for me. Where did I even branch of again?

“It's … lots of people want to help me. My parents, my sister, you. You want to help, but you can't see in my mind. So when you help, you do the wrong thing sometimes. But Esran, she can see in my mind. She could see what would help. But will she help me?”

“Why don't you ask her?”

Sarah always acted like it was so simple. If Esran could see in my mind, would she not notice that these were things that I was concerned about? Why hadn't she talked about it?

“I know this might seem a bit odd,” Sarah continued, “but you have to be the one to open the communication. Yeerks normally don't communicate with their hosts. If you really want Esran to help you, you must first come to understand each other.”

I had pretty much given up talking by this point. I just let Sarah go at it. Occasionally giving an approving “hmm”.

“You need to find some common ground first. Something simple. Something that you know you'll both agree on. Then do it together. Talk about it together. I know it's been only two days, but you need to think of something like this. Then we'll determine how we'll be go about it. Okay?”

How could I come up with something when we hardly spoke. The first time we spoke at home when she asked for access to my memories. Then in the church pointing out the controller. And then discussion in the church bathroom. Wait that was it.


	27. Esran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica tries to bribe Esran with donuts. At the same time, Salam and Sarah talk to Esran about how they want her to behave as a yeerk.

I had been in the little aquarium for hours.

<Welcome back Esran>

My host, Jessica greeted me. Which was a bit odd. Before I had time to search her memory for what had transpired she spoke again.

<We got something for you. For us. For dinner.>

I saw the big box of donuts. Was this some kind of trap? I sensed no malice in the host. Instead there was a certain optimism, a certain hope. A hope for me.

<For you to talk to me more.>

Had I just let my thoughts slip through? Had she seen them? Or had she deduced it from the memories and thoughts I had been accessing? I tried to trace back her thoughts to the origin. It seemed to be some kind of mix of both. I turned my attention back to the donuts. There were so many of them, so many kinds.

<Try a fruitfrosted one first.>

I had no reason to doubt Jessica's suggestion. I picked a purplish-pink frosted donut. For some reason it seems she couldn't decide on what color it really was. Whatever the color, it tasted great. The greasy donut, the sweet frosting, with a little touch of sour.

“Enjoying yourself?” Salam asked. Or was it Sarah?

“Are you …?” I started.

She just pointed at the aquarium. There was no yeerk in there. So Salam it was.

“Honestly, this entire Sarah-Salam dichotomy is just a little charade we put up to make you two feel better about talking to me. There's hardly any difference. Other than me having a better sense of humor.” She took a donut as well. “So, have you decided what you're going to do yet?”

I hadn't even looked at what happened yet. Now was as good a time as any though. It was hard to figure out what objectively had happened. The memories were already tainted with Jessica's emotions.

“You want me to become friends with the host? With Jessica?”

Salam nodded.

“Lets just set aside the fact that this is criminal behavior, punishable by kandrona starvation. Why would I talk to her to begin with? I can see into her mind. I ...”

“Then you don't know the first thing about humans,” Salam said, “For humans there is a large gap between what they think instantly and what they actually say or do. Jessica can't really do anything while you're controlling her, but she can still speak to you. What she decides to say is more important than every little thought that pops into her head.”

“So even if I did this goes against every rule ...”

“Time for an experiment!” Salam said. They seemed to have a real problem with letting people finish their sentences. Jessica seemed just as annoyed as me about it.

“It's a simple experiment, just crawl into Jessica's hand and sit there as long as you feel comfortable.”

“What? Why would I do that? What's to keep Jessica from just moving me away from her ear? How would I even signal that I wanted to return?”

Salam did let me finish now. She even stayed silent after my questions. It just made her earlier interruptions more infuriating.

<Calm down> Jessica said.

Why? And why was I even agitated like this? I even let my thoughts slip through to Jessica. It was all her fault. I looked at Sarah. Salam was slipping out of Sarah's head and into her hand. The solution was simple. I just had to turn Salam in. She would be killed and Sarah would get a new yeerk and all this would be resolved.

“Are you satisfied?” Sarah was petting Salam now. “Are you satisfied with being so terrified of your host?”

Terrified? Why would I be terrified? I was completely in control of her. Well she did put up some resistance but I knew I could control her if I wanted.

“Seems to me you are plenty terrified, since you haven't come out yet.”

“If I come out, will you shut up?” I asked her.

“Of course. And I'll guarantee that you'll be able to return.”

I just had to get it over with. I just brought my hand up to my ear and started to disengage from Jessica's brain. Crawled out of her ear into her warm hand. Her hand moved! I was nowhere near the ear anymore. I couldn't get back. Sarah had guaranteed my safety, what what if she was lying? I could communicate with them. I couldn't escape. She could crush me with her fingers and it'd be the end of me. She did move her fingers, I could feel it. The hand was moving again. The ear. I was safe again. I got inside. I was safe.

Sarah was right. I was terrified.

“Now what?”

“Now nothing. That was enough emotional roller-coaster riding for today. Finish the donuts and then I'll take you home. If you want to talk some more, Jessica is right there with you.”


	28. Esran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esran gets into a discussion with Jessica's father on Jessica's request. Later that night Esran and Jessica try to bond a bit.

Sarah seemed to have an intuitive understanding of when keeping silent is the best thing to do. Not in a kind and caring way. Well she may be able to use it like that too, but right now she was using it for manipulation. Since I couldn't talk to her all there was left to do was ponder. Or talk to Jessica, which was exactly what she wanted. But Jessica wasn't speaking for some reason. She was too busy thinking about today. So I just poked around in her mind a bit.

That's where I got the insight on Sarah's manipulation in the first place. Jessica was a lot better in analyzing these things than she had ever let on. Also it was mostly after the facts that she realized this. So she never acted on it. What she did have was a large list of people and her resentment towards them for their manipulation. Her father, her mother, siblings, teachers, Sarah, me.

I wasn't surprised to be included in that. I'm a yeerk after all. But it shocked me how many humans were on there. Especially the parents. In our little introduction about earth we had learned about the importance of offspring and families. It was heralded as an important recruitment technique. But the relation was a lot more complicated than I was first led to believe. Yet there was something there. Something deep that bound them despite the resentment.

“My son.”

I didn't respond. I was using Jessica's autopilot to guide me since I've been dropped off at home.

<That's us,> Jessica said.

Oh right, I was supposed to be a boy while I was here.

“Yes, dad?”

“Sit down, son.” He said.

<Can you please deal with him for me?> Jessica asked.

Deal with him? She was referring to some kind of dominance game. One that would decide whose opinion would become accepted and adhered too. Very well, I've played this game with sub-vissers and vissers. I could handle a simple father.

“What's this about?” I didn't sit down. He was already a bit unsure.

“You remember our little talk about being part of this family?” He said.

“Yes.”

“And you remember the part where I told you that you need to let us know in advance when you won't be hope for supper?”

“That's what you're worried about? Not about where I've been? Not whether I'm alright or not?”

“Uhm … well yes … You're here and you're safe aren't you?” Jessica's father sighed. “So where have you been?”

“I was helping out a friend from the sharing with an emergency. So let me guess, from now on my friends will need to schedule their emergencies at least forty eight hours in advance? Or maybe I'm not allowed to help people anymore?”

“No, it's just …”

“That you like family suppers that much. But we have them every day. So I couldn't make it today, there's another one tomorrow, isn't there?” Cutting people off is always a good idea in these kind of conversations.

“But you won't be here tomorrow either,” He said.

“Indeed, but I will be on Wednesday and we will have family supper then too, won't we?”

“Yes, but ...”

“Glad we had this conversation, dad.” I started walking away.

“Son, at least try to let us know if something comes up in the future, okay. Just give a quick call.” He called after me.

“Will do, dad.” And up the stairs I went.

<That was awesome. Maybe a bit too much> Jessica said once I was safely in my room.

<I constructed it from things I found in your mind. How was it too much?> I knew she was worried about exposing myself in some way, but according to Sarah I should try to see what she wanted to say.

<It's kind of very different from what I'd normally do. So people might start thinking strange things about me.>

That was kind of awkwardly worded, but it was the same point I had expected.

<I guess I haven't properly introduced myself, I am Esran.>

<Hello Esran, my name is Jessica.>

It was quiet again after that. Well Jessica was still thinking a lot of things, but she didn't really make an effort to reach out.

<You're not very good at this talking thing, are you?> Jessica again.

<Of course not. We're not supposed to talk to our hosts, so I have no experience with something like this. And I tried to get some information from your memory on how to do conversations, but you seem to be lacking such information.>

Jessica was upset. She had become a host based on the promise that her yeerk would be able to help her out with things like talking to other people. And now she was seeing that it might not work out that way. I had been reading her direct thoughts again. It just came so natural to me. I don't know how Salam manages not to do it. There was homework to be done though. Hopefully that would take my, and Jessica's, mind of things.

It was a strange concept, this homework. I had already been to school earlier that day. It was like an extended info session. But that apparently wasn't enough, afterwards, we still had redo everything that we had heard about that day. Some of it was okay, like mathematics or physics, which were basically the same as what I had already learned as a yeerk. But some things, like English spelling were a goddamn nightmare. There was no consistency in how words sounded or should be spelled. It was almost as if someone deliberately messed it up just to torture people.

Jessica didn't think I'd be able to finish it all, but I did. Easily even.

<How?> Jessica asked.

<I just did what needed to be done to finish the tasks, is that not how you are supposed to do this? I got all the information for this from your brain, so you should have been able to do this as well.>

<I can't.>

Jessica's mind was too much of a mess for me to make sense of her objection. I just felt like going to sleep now. Tomorrow we had to go to school again.

<Can you read a bit?> Jessica asked.

She was referring to a library book called “tears of the dragons” that she had in her room. I didn't really see any harm in reading a chapter. I ended up reading four. It was strange in a way. It wasn't real, but at the same time, in some aspects it was. It was mostly Jessica's mind that made it real. Strange creatures these humans.

<Sleep well, Esran.>

<Sleep well, Jessica. Oh and thanks for not crushing me earlier today.>


	29. Jessica

I almost fell into the pool, next day when Esran released me. Luckily one of the Hork-bajir caught me.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You're _krafal_. Welcome.”

Sarah guided me off the pier. I wasn't nearly as tired as last time Esran released me. I wonder if I could have dealt with the environment if I had been as tired. The screams from the involuntary hosts were omnipresent. And it wasn't just screams. There was crying, there was pleading, there was silence. That last one scared me the most. Those people just sat there. That was all. Nothing more. Like they themselves were nothing.

“Don't dwell on it too much. At least for now.” Sarah nudged me along, away from the cages. She led me into one of the buildings surrounding the pool. I had seen them last time I was there, but never given them much thought. This one was a cafeteria or lunch room of come kind. I hadn't expected that. It just seemed so out of place.

There were long tables made to human size and some shorter made for Hork-bajir. I wondered what they ate. Despite there being plenty of open space Sarah sat down opposite another person. When he looked up I recognized him.

“Mr. Tidwell?”

“Hello Sarah. Hello Jessica. It's Jessica here isn't it?” he said.

I nodded.

“So, how did you get here so fast?” Sarah asked.

“They finally finished the school entrance. Since Monday.”

“That's good.” Sarah paused as a blueish monkeyish creature put plates in front of her and me. It was mashed potatoes, salmon and mushrooms. They were all ingredients I knew, but the combination seemed kind of alien to me.

“Can you get us some water?” Mr. Tidwell said to the blue creature.

“It's a Gedd,” Sarah said. How did she know I was wondering that? I must have been staring again.

“So,” Sarah turned to Mr. Tidwell again, “can you take Jessica and Esran on Friday to the pool and show them the school entrance?”

“Certainly,” Mr. Tidwell said, “You're new at this. How's it been so far?”

That was directed at me. Multiple person conversations get confusing rather fast.

“Dunno yet really.” I poked my food around a bit. “There's some good, some bad.”

It was quiet a bit after that, like they expected me to say something else. Not sure what else there was to say about it. Or maybe they were quiet because the Gedd came back with glass and a can of water.

“If you ever need advice or a listening ear when you're at school, you can always talk to me.”

“How do you deal with it?”

“With what? With school? It's just my job.”

I kind of wish Esran was here to help me get out my thoughts properly.

“No. The involuntary hosts. In the cages. It makes me feel bad, hearing them like that, seeing them like that.”

They looked at each other and Sarah sighed. She was the one who spoke.

“Look Jessica, I know you're a kind heart, but I already told you not to focus on that. At least not for now. You and Esran still need to figure out how to properly get along. There is a time for helping others, but it's not when you're the one needing the help right now. Focus on yourself first. Focus on your relation with Esran first. If you do truly want to help those people, you first need to understand more about yeerks and humans. And there is only one way for you to do that.”

I nodded. What else could I say? I just felt so uncomfortable I couldn't even have said anything. Maybe she was right though. I hardly knew anything about the yeerks at all. How was I going to solve a problem I didn't even understand myself yet? Sarah knew a lot more than me, and she didn't seem to know how to solve it. Or maybe she did. Maybe I was it. Or part of it in the least. Making a new path. Discovering a new way to live together. Just by become friends with Esran I could maybe help all those people. It may seem a bit far fetched but it kindle a new sort of hope in me. This wasn't just about me anymore. I was becoming part of something bigger.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who's read this far. I do appreciate all the comments and kudos I got. To keep things a bit more organized I'm planning to make all of this into a series of works, rather than just one huge work with a million chapters. So this would be the end of the first work. I'll rename this specific work "the infestation" and make "the symbiosis" the name of the series. I'll also be taking some time off before I start the next work, but I should be ready to start posting it by the new year.  
> I hope you'll all continue to read and enjoy my works.


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